


Why Magic is Secretly Evil

by 1The_Quiet_Samurai1



Category: Cracked: After Hours
Genre: Enjoy!, Mentions of Sex, No relationships this time, Spoilers, swears, that's it i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-13
Updated: 2016-09-13
Packaged: 2018-08-14 18:37:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8024671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1The_Quiet_Samurai1/pseuds/1The_Quiet_Samurai1
Summary: In which the guys accidentally get the whole restaurant involved this time.Oops.I do have pictures made for this, but I have to figure out how to post them without posting them online first. If you can even do that, does anyone know?





	Why Magic is Secretly Evil

**Author's Note:**

> I've been watching a lot of After Hours vids lately. Plus Once Upon a Time, and while watching that, I realized how horrible Henry's life really is when you think about it.  
> So then this happened.  
> It wrote itself once I started. :D I had fun with this.
> 
> SPOILERS FOR THE FOLLOWING:
> 
> Merlin  
> Harry Potter  
> Supernatural  
> Once Upon a Time  
> Do I really need to put one for The Magic School Bus? Like, really?  
> Let me know if I missed one.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything but the plot!

It was just a Friday evening at the hotel’s diner, and Soren and Katie were listening- well, half listening to what Michael would do if he had magic.

“Michael, we came to New York to have _fun._ Not talk about-” Katie didn’t get to finish.

“And then, we would run off into our new castle and have some awesome sex.”

“There it is.” sighed Soren.

“Hey.” Daniel said as he sat down.

“Thank god.”

“What are we talking _Game of Thrones_? I just heard ‘castle’ and ‘sex’, so I assumed-”

“MAGIC SEX.” Michael said loudly, causing some people to look over.

Katie groaned and Soren sighed again and shook his head. Daniel just looked at everyone.

“Oh. Okay.” he said. “Except magic is evil.”

“NO! Daniel, how can you say that!” shouted Michael. “Magic is awesome, and amazing! What we _should_ be talking about is-”

“Except it’s not- awesome.” said Dan.

“No. I refuse to ruin magic for me. And besides, it’s not the magic, it’s the people that _use_ it, duh.” said Michael.

“Think about all of the evil it’s done. In _Harry Potter_ -”

“Voldernonose is in _sane_.”

“Sure. But, I’m not talking about him. Well, we’ll get there, but right now I’m talking about the boy himself, Harry. We learn that he has a part of Voldem-mshmirt’s soul in him. There’s a theory that he is a horcrux.”

“Whore-cocks. Heh.” Michael giggled with a snort. Katie rolled her eyes.

“Continue.” she said.

“Okay. So if Harry’s a horcrux, that’s why his muggle family is so horrible to him. The _magic_ in him is making them hate him. Like the locket makes Ron extremely mad. It’s the _magic._ ”

“It’s Voldesnake! He _made_ the horcruxes in the first place.” said Katie. She and Michael high-fived, although, there had been something on Michael’s hand and so Katie made a face and wiped it on his shirt. She shook her head to clear any disturbing thoughts.

“Okay well if Voldemaniac is _so_ crazy, then Dumbledore should have done something about it in the first place!” Soren said loudly while thumping the table a little bit. Dan sighed when he saw some of his coke splash into his soup. Oh well. Soren continued. “Yeah, sure, _maybe_ he didn’t know. But when someone says they can talk to snakes that should have been a no brainer!”

“Dumbledore, in retrospect should have been like ‘oh shit, this kid’s dangerous’.” said Dan.

“It should have been that simple!” said Soren.

“But even Dumbledore doesn’t know _everything_! And it’s still the people that are being douches, not the magic itself.” said Michael.

“Okay, forget Dumbledore! What about the Ministry. They’re the worst ministry in the history of ministries.” said Soren.

“Yeah because the Brownie Man is the worst. What’s your point?”

“My _point_ , is Corny Fudgicle, doesn’t even _believe_ in Voldcano’s return. He gets the rest of the ministry to agree with him, _and_ leaves the muggle world in danger! Magic makes people selfish and want to use it for themselves.”

“Ah, but in the books they _do_ warn them about Voldemental, they-”

“KATIE! We’re talking about _mo-vies_. Books have no say in this matter.” said Soren.

“FINE. Then what about Gandalf from the _Lord of the Rings_? He’s certainly _not_ evil because of magic, or evil in general.”

“When does he ever help the protagonists?”

“Daniel!”

“Uh, he creates the Fellowship, he… creates fireworks, and he… goes on a separate journey of his own. He makes Frodo carry that ring by himself all the way to Mordor. He really _does_ only come in to help Frodo and Bilbo at the last second. He could have helped them way more than he did. He could have used his magic to make the ring to I don’t know, _float_ , and he could have easily defeated the orcs and the others. He just… didn’t. He went to this stupid wizard meeting instead with a guy that hides birds in his hat.”

“Just want to point out that never happens in the books. Never.” Soren said with a frown and head shake. “They made unnecessary plot changes in the movies.”

“I thought we agreed on no books.” said Katie. She raised an eyebrow in suspicion.

“The books are important to my family! We’ve discussed this.”

“Uh, hey, sorry to interrupt,” said a young woman with bright red-orange hair wearing a black leather jacket and black skirt sitting at a nearby table, “what about _Shadowhunters_? Magic isn’t evil in that.” The woman was sitting with five other people, a woman with brown hair and tanned skin dressed similar to the red head, two guys dressed in black, and one with black hair, one with light blond hair, a guy with glasses, and an Asian guy wearing eyeliner. Weird bunch.

“The fiery red head lesbian has a point.” said Michael, the guy with black hair nearly spit out the water he was sipping, while the others tried not to laugh. Michael failed to notice the girl’s objections to the lesbian comment and carried on. “The hunters help the world by fighting evil demons, and Mangus is a badass warlock _who_ by the way is bisexual. And instead of making him end up with what’s her name, that bitch, he goes with Alec. The sexually confused model with the horrible parents.”

They completely missed how the black haired guy’s eyebrows raised up, and the Asian smirked.

“Yeah, but, Mangus originally _runs away_ from the problems because he’s being hunted. He runs, instead of deciding to stay and help. Plus, he takes away Clary’s memories when she was a kid of all the magic.” said Soren.

“That was because of her mother though. She didn’t want her knowing at such a young age, even though it totally could have helped her when she was older.” said the red head sounding very pissed for some reason.

“Anyway, I say the show doesn’t count.”

“Why not?”

“I stopped watching after episode eight because Clary is an annoying selfish bitch.”

There was a sudden collective ‘hey’ from the girl’s table, and the other three Cracked co-workers.

“What? It’s true! During those first eight episodes, she leaves her best friend in the dust to become a vampire, falls for some guy she doesn’t even know, whines about not knowing anything, and dislikes Alec because he dislikes her for very good reasons. Plus she screams like a girl.”

“She’s a _girl_!” shouted the red head.

“Oh… you’re right.” Katie sighed in defeat, “when she _does_ finally meet Alec’s parents, there’s no- ‘oh you have crap parents I see where you’re coming from’, no, instead she asks him what the hell did he do to make them so angry?”

“Yes!” said Soren.

“Ooh… yeah… she does do that…” the red head said sheepishly.

“And might I add that his reaction was very appropriate and justified.” said the black haired guy.

“You may.” said the red head with a frown.

“Okay, so that’s why I have the best world of magic!” Michael said defiantly. “It’s essentially our world, only we’re taken on adventures AND you learn from it- _The Ma_ -”

“ _The Magic School Bus_ of Horror!” Dan finished loudly. Michael pounded the table.

“Damn it Daniel! Come on man! You can’t just-” Michael let out a frustrated yell.

“ _The Magic School Bus_ involves Ms. Frizzle, a third grade teacher taking her students on regular field trips. Field trips, Michael, that involve getting shrunken, almost eaten, _literally_ eaten, chased after, almost drowning, almost getting burned alive by lava and the f***ing sun, AND almost getting stuck in the past with freaking dinosaurs that would want to eat us- t-them!”

“Arnold wishes he stayed home _every single time_. And he’s usually right!” said the guy with glasses.

“The fellow nerd is right! Plus, Ms. Frizzle _lies_ to the kid’s parents in the episode about bats when she takes the parents on a field trip. _While_ the kids turn themselves into bats without her consent because, well, they assume she’s a vampire. But they’re like what, eight years old? So… But anyway the point still stands. Ms. Frizzle is a menace.” said Soren.

“Ms. Frizzle even makes an unprofessional bet with the principle of the school to keep a magic pinball machine. She even makes _Arnold_ distract him when they’re running out of time! She makes an eight year old kid distract the principle of the school for twenty-ish minutes while she plays pinball.” said Dan.

“She was teaching the kids about colours damn it! And they learned.” Katie exclaimed, her voice raising higher in pitch.

“But at what cost?” asked- a short black haired guy wearing a ‘tough-looking’ jacket, sitting at another table with three other guys. The Cracked co-workers looked at him oddly. “Sorry, you were just, and I just- Anyway,” he waved a hand in the air to dismiss the matter. “The kids get shrunken down, and turned into light, _and_ at some point, there’s like, six? Of them? Or something? And the teacher thinks _that’s_ a good idea rather than getting them out of that? Yeah magic is evil. I’m with those guys.”

“Side note on _The Magic School Bus_ , there’s a theory that Ms. Frizzle is a timelord which would suggest that she’s using _science_ , and not magic in her lessons.” Daniel said excitedly.

“There’s no magic in _Doctor Who_ Daniel.” Michael said and he grabbed a handful of his spaghetti and meatballs and dropped them in Dan’s soup. Damn it.

“Again? Really? Damn it perfectly good food…” Daniel muttered in distaste as Michael wiped his hand clean.

“Ugh, but that’s our point which-” Soren never got to finish.

“Unless you count Jack Harkness. I mean where _does_ he pull that gun from when he’s with those robots on the futuristic TV show? Ooh, new topic, is _he_ magical or is his dick?” said Michael.

There was a collective “both” from all around.

“Alright yeah short conversation.” smiled Michael.

“Ooh, _Nanny Mcphee_. She uses her magic to teach the bratty kids how to be good, in like, all of her movies.” said Katie. “At least that’s what I got from the trailers…”

“Yeah she _controls_ the children.” said Soren. “Well, that’s what it looks like in the clips shown on TV. Controlling them against their will.”

“To teach them to be good like Katie said!” Michael said. “Have you seen the youtube clips? Every single kid in those movies are brats that needs to be taught a lesson.”

“Doesn’t she almost make one of the kids in one of the first films place the baby on like a-a catapult, or something? I don’t know. My kid watches them sometimes, but I never pay attention.” said Soren.

“Yeah… at least I think. There may have been a clip on Youtube…” Michael stared into space and thought on it.

“No but it was definitely used for good, at least that’s what I got out of the trailers. Those kids seriously were brats.” said the red head.

“In the trailer for the 2010 one though does she _not_  take control over pigs and send some flying?” said the tough guy.

“And is that _not_ animal cruelty Katie?” Dan said with a head shake. Katie just made a face at him.

“In a kids movie.” said the tough guy.

“No, no, no- WAIT A SECOND.” said Katie. “Have any of us actually seen _any_ of the _Nanny McPhee_ films?”

There was a collective “no.”

“Then why are we even talking about them?”

“ _You_ brought it up!” said Soren. “Wait, why do we keep talking about things we’ve never seen?”

“That’s a good question.” said Dan.

“Okay, but what about Supernatural then? The angels? And freaking _God_?” asked one of the guys at the new table that joined in. He was super tall with long blond hair.

Apparently the whole restaurant was getting involved now. Oh boy.

“I agree with the moose!” said Michael. He missed the annoyed look the man gave him. “They’re all powerful beings devoted to using their powers for good.”

“The angels are dicks in that show!” laughed Daniel, he took a sip of his coke.

“Michael and Lucifer are having a childish fight that will most likely never end, Gabriel was originally a tyrant, then he died before he could do anything else, and Castiel… okay Castiel is really the only _good_ angel out there. He’s cool. He reminds me of Daniel.” Soren patted Dan on the back. The group missed the way the guy with the trench coat smiled at the short blond guy, who smiled back. Daniel also smiled at the thought of an angel reminding someone of him. “So magic is evil in that show. Not just because of demons, but the angels suck, and God needs to man up and take charge. Smite who needs to be smit-ed… do the fatherly thing and punish the angels for being assholes, and, you know, be _God_.” Soren finished.

“I thought Gabriel was pretty good… at least near the end of his life.” commented the short blond guy.

“Fine! BUT in the _Percy Jackson_ movies…” Michael trailed off and stared off into space for a few seconds. He scrunched up his face and waved his hands about. “No, never mind. Those movies suck. Rebuttal retracted.”

“Yeah the books are better.” said the red head.

“No books, we already discussed this!” said Michael, pointing a glare at her. She glared back for a short second, then shrugged.

“Oh! _Once Upon a Time_! Emma’s labelled as the _Saviour_ and is good.” said the waitress.

“Yeah, it’s the other people that are asshats.” said her grandmother. She seemed to be a pretty cool grandmother.

“And poor little Henry has to sit and watch his life go to hell all around him.” said the tough black haired guy. “Oh can I get some ketchup? Please?”

“Yeah.” the waitress said with a huff. She handed him a ketchup bottle. “Oh anyone need water or refills?” Several hands raised up. “Right…” She nodded and went to work.

“He’s right though. Henry’s life is crap in his point of view.” said the guy with glasses. “His adoptive mother is the Evil Queen, his grandfather is the Dark One, AKA Rumpelstiltskin, his _great grandfather_ is the gay demented Peter Pan, and he watches time and again as his family members go missing. The Wicked Witch is his aunt thanks to Rumpel and Cora! And he watches people he loves and cares about get killed.”

"Not to mention his birth mother turning into the Dark One at some point!" said Soren.

“The fairies-” defended the moose.

“Don’t do much. Actually. In fact, the Blue Fairy is-is kind of a prick. I don’t really like her. Like, at all.” said Daniel. “As a matter of fact, they cause problems a few problems. They cause Grumpy to become Grumpy, the Blue Fairy literally gives up on Tinkerbelle causing her to lose her wings-”

“Oh my god! Henry’s family traps him in _the_ Pandora’s Box when he and Pan switch minds thinking he’s Pan! Yeah Henry should be totally depressed, or _insane_. How is he not?” asked the red head.

“They even said that the box is worse than death. _Worse_.”  said Moose.

“Can’t be worse than _actually_ going to Hell though… can it?” asked the tough guy.

“It can be- I mean probably. Most likely.” said the short blond guy. “Since they say it’s worse than death.” He tossed a fry in his mouth.

“He’s not insane because he’s the Truest Believer! He lives on hope. If he started getting depressed and suicidal, then the world will literally go to hell and then Hades would be annoyed that his place had gotten more crowded.  But it _would_ give him more options for sex…” said Michael.

“Ugh, there it is.” sighed Katie.

“He was or is also that writer… guy…”

“The Author?” said Dan.

“Right Arthur.”

“You- no- how… how did you graduate?”

“TEEN WOLF!” shouted Michael. “The TV show, not the movie.” He made wild hand gestures waving off any thought of the movies.

People were about to speak, but they opened their mouths and closed them again.

“I… don’t think…” Soren trailed off.

“Is-is there, like, _any_ kind of magic in that show, or- or is it just… supernatural creatures attacking one another?” asked the waitress, she poured Dan some more water.

“No…” Daniel said thoughtfully. “I don’t think so. I think it _is_ actually just supernatural creatures attacking each other. Which is boring now that I think about it. It’d be way better if magic were involved.”

“Yeah-ha!” shouted Michael as he dramatically pointed at Dan.

“It’d be way better if magic were involved making things _worse_!”

Michael sighed loudly.

“DISNEY!”

“We’ve already discussed how scary Disney movies _actually are_!” shouted Soren.

“You-”

“Oh, hey! What about Merlin?” asked a young guy in the restaurant sitting at the bar. Everyone just looked at him. “Eh, I’m the only one that hasn’t joined in yet, so I figured- anyway. So what about that?” he asked in his British accent.

“The handsome Brit has a point! Merlin is great. He does everything he can to stay and be good. AND Gaius is like the beardless straight Dumbledore, or Gandalf. Uther, thinks that all magic is evil like you guys. _But_ it’s the people! Morgause, Agravaine, Cenred, Alvarr, Nimueh, freaking MORGANA-” Michael was stopped by Daniel.

“Ooh-hoo-hoo- BUT Merlin and Gaius totally could have prevented her from becoming evil! Merlin could have been like ‘hey, you’re not alone, we’re here, and come- come learn with me from Gaius. I know Uther hates magic, but I’ve had it my whole life!’ Instead of letting her dwell in fear, that turned to hatred when she learned that Uther is her father. She wouldn’t have run off with Morgause to become influenced by her!”

“Yeah they… do… kind of let her…” the young British man trailed off. “But it was because of destiny!”

“SCREW DESTINEY!” Soren shouted. “Kilgharrah and his two-headed coin can go to hell for all I care.”

“Destiney, is full of bullshit.” agreed the tough guy.

“It’s not _that bad_.” said the red head.

“MORDRED THEN!” Michael shouted, ignoring the girl.

“Yeah, Mordred-” Daniel interrupted Katie.

“ _Mordred_ , Katie, only turned on Arthur when they killed his girlfriend, or whoever she was. Literally _anyone_ could have told him, ‘hey, look, we _gave_ her a chance to repent, but she didn’t take it. It’s her own fault kid.’ Instead, they also let him become super angry and hell bent on revenge. They could have avoided everything!” he said. “Case and point!” he lifted his bowl of soup (and handful of spaghetti and meatballs,) and dumped it onto her Greek salad.

“The f***! Daniel!” she slid her chair back to avoid some of the soup that dripped off of the plate and onto the floor.

“Wow none of it got on the table Dan, I’m impressed.” Michael complimented. Daniel smiled and sat back down.

“I guess none of us are eating again.” Katie said as she took her plate- carefully avoiding the dripping soup- and dumped it onto Soren’s burger and fries.

“Again?” questioned the guy with glasses.

“God damn it Katie.” Soren said as he backed up. He wasn’t as lucky as Katie wasn't as graceful as Dan, and a quarter of the food landed on his lap. “At least these are the pants Michael got me for Christmas and not one of the ones I bought.”

“Hey!” Michael seemed really offended at first, then he shrugged. “Eh, whatever, I got those at Wal-Mart anyway.”

“Wait, so, did we- I- did we actually land on a side, or did we just all agree that magic is indifferent?” asked Soren.

“I guess- you know,” Dan sighed, “it’s just indifferent.”

“So what, we win?” asked Michael.

“That’s not-”

“Katie we win!”

“Yay!” she did a little happy dance in her seat.

“Ugh.” Soren sighed.

Everyone went back to eating their own meals and minding their own business.

“Wait, Peter Pan’s gay in _Once Upon a Time_?” Michael suddenly asked.

“Well they don’t actually say it, or, even remotely _imply_ it, but come on. Lost _Boys_? My gay-dar was totally going off. I can’t believe yours didn’t.” said Katie.

“Also, he takes Felix’s heart instead of Henry’s, because it had to be ‘the one he loved most’ or something like that. That was like, three years ago.” said Soren.

“Really though? Love? Could have been loyalty.” said Daniel.

“Yeah I guess… but come on. They’re not fooling anyone.” said Katie.

“Whoa… I totally see it now.” Michael said in awe. “I need to re-watch season three.”

“Wait, Michael, did you refer to Gandalf as being gay earlier?”

“Yeah why?”

“You think _Gandalf_ is gay but you couldn’t see- you know what? Never mind.”

“Hey, wait. How come we didn’t talk about Buffy?” asked Soren.

“Oh my gosh, I can’t believe we forgot about that.” said Katie.

“Ok, I have this theory that it’s all in Xander’s mind-” Daniel began.

And so another conversation started.

~Fin.

No real food was harmed/wasted in the making of this fic. (Unless you count me eating it…)

**Author's Note:**

> Welp, that's it. I've only seen the first episode of Buffy, so that's why they don't talk about it lol. I'll watch the rest at some point, I'm just catching up with other shows at the moment. Again, I have pictures made, I just have to figure out if there's a way to upload them without posting them online somewhere else first. If you know of a way can you tell me please? :)
> 
> What do you guys think about this? Is magic evil, or is it good and it just depends on the people that use it? (Personally I think it's the latter.) Also did I forget anything? Which 'Michael comment' was the best?  
> Please Kudos, and comment! :D
> 
> Until next time!


End file.
